Hello, my name is Bea.

[TW: this entire blog discusses multiple forms of trauma. Now I am healed and I’m here to tell the tale.]

I plan to write on this blog about how I experienced and survived childhood traumas and how I overcame them. I am fortunate to live a happy adult life with my husband Rudi and our dog Shamu.

In 2022 I finally asked for help and started therapy with a psychologist for the first time. She advised me to create a family genogram to understand the system.

A genogram is a graphic family tree that shows detailed information. The problem was that I only knew my mother, my four siblings and my mother’s family members, but I didn’t know much about them. And about my father’s side? Well, I didn’t even know when he was born and I wasn’t even sure of his official last name: Viktor or Győző?

I didn’t know what happened in my family before I was born and I didn’t know what happened to me when I was little. There were so many secrets and lies and I needed facts.

I started my extensive family research and what I learned is quite exceptional and that’s why I want to share it.

It’s an intellectual and emotional rollercoaster that can hurt like hell, but doing it I was able to grow roots I never had before. Shortly after I started the family research, I changed my family name and now I am the strongest I ever was as an individual.

I accumulated a ton of information. I found a book that contains data on my ancestors back to the 1700s. I learned all that before I found out what year my father was born. I could find official records; countless archive newspaper articles; decades-old audio cassettes and photos about my family; writings from my father, including his travelogues he wrote for 60 years; an unpublished memoir from a family member I never even heard of; all pages of my parent’s divorce papers, including psychological forensic examination about all my family members; secret service documents about my grandfather I never knew, etc.

I found new siblings as my father was a Catholic priest dropout who fathered and then abandoned 9 children (that I know of but I did a DNA testing so others might come up). I contacted 2 of my father’s previous wives and many other people.

I am not done with my research yet but now I have an understanding of what and why happened.

Reading my stories about extreme childhood abuse and neglect can be too much for some. And it will be for you as well at one point or another. No worries.

This blog is for those who had to live through something similar. Some people don’t even know things at home are that bad. I had no clue because that was all I knew. For trauma survivors, it’s important to acknowledge what happened and get validation.

I also write for those who would like to understand the dynamics of childhood abuse: why it happens, how it feels and what it causes. I am not a mental health professional so I can only talk from my point of view.

Because I am a trauma survivor and I need to feel seen. I am healing myself before I can change the world. The point of sharing my vulnerabilities is to protect children.

Please note: English is not my first language so if you have any recommendations, please let me know privately in a respectable way.

Please write a comment if my stories resonate with you! Feel free to share your experience as well.